I have recently had the opportunity to sing in a trio with two of my favorite people: Jennifer Barrus and Diana Puzey. To top it all off, the chosen song was one of my all time favorites, "O, Divine Redeemer." I have rarely been able to listen to this song, let a lone, sing it without getting emotional. As we practiced I was able to feel the overwhelming truth of the words through the testifying spirit of the Holy Ghost. I feel like this song is very personal – as if it was written specifically from my heart.
We had several practices because of the level of difficulty of the music. I loved spending time with these lovely women and enjoying the sound we were able to produce. Several moments as we practiced I became overwhelmed with tender feelings toward my Savior. It is special to me.
So as you can imagine, I was very fearful of singing in front of our ward Relief Society after a lesson on the atonement. I have learned something about myself as I've dared to perform in church settings. I am a very emotionally charged singer… I really listen to the words I'm singing and make them about my own life, which in turn causes me to feel emotionally overwhelmed. This causes me to be very embarrassed and I have recently written myself off of singing in church as a special musical number. Even while singing in the ward choir, my emotions will get the best of me. I honestly want to run out of the room and hide out for a few days so I don't have to face people. So I have begun to pray that I I would be able to handle myself.
The performance day came and I jokingly pleaded with my friends to pray for my emotions. They assured me I would be fine, but I was doubtful. We sang. The spirit was present. I made it through until the last phrase. That is when it all got to me! We sang "….have mercy!" (in a resounding chord) Then finished with, "Help me my Savior." I forgot to mention that I decided before hand to not look out at anyones faces. I am certain that I came across very mechanical, but it definitely helped.
The weeks went by and we were asked to sing again. This time for the singles branch. We got together to practice again – I loved it. Still had the same feelings. Still felt fearful of becoming too emotional.
We sat in sacrament meeting waiting for our turn. The talks were on pride. I listened to my dear friend, Ruth Miller, give a beautiful sermon on the subject. I love her faithful & constant approach to living the gospel. As she spoke I realized that my nervousness with my emotions while singing in essence is a form of pride. I am worrying too much about myself. I thought about the truth that faith and fear cannot coexist. I leaned over to our accompanist and said, "this song we are singing goes perfectly with the message." She said, "I was thinking the same thing." I looked at her as I was trying to muster up my faith and not be fearful and she said, "Heavenly Father gave you a talent for a reason – you can do it." This vote of confidence, combined with the pride talk and my faith and fear thoughts gave me just the mixture of what I needed.
What a wonderful feeling to know that I could completely turn it over to the Lord. In the past I had prayed and included the Lord, but I still tried too hard to stay conscientiously in control. It wasn't until I surrendered all of myself that I felt the peace and confidence to let it be what it was suppose to be.
I stood up, held the music without shaking, sang as I looked out to the audience, and had full confidence (not of myself but in the Lord) that I could accept whatever was to happen. I sang with feeling the words, I wasn't mechanical. The words took on more meaning as I realized how the Savior was helping me as I sang. I was humbled and know with a surety that my small need was heard as I was prepared to let it happen.
This is a tender mercy I hope to always hold close to my heart and remember when I face the rest of my mortal life's challenges and uncertainties.
Me + My Redeemer + entirely submitting = a perfect trio (for me).
