I’m finding out that the older I get the better I can understand/learn certain aspects of this mortal existence; yet on the other hand, with that understanding, I discover just how much more there is to know – and so it goes.
Category: Cogitation
Deliberate Self-Help Mothering + Book Reviews
It’s a good word: deliberate. I really like what it makes me feel like when I say it. It makes me feel planned, dependable, organized, ready, proactive, and motivated. When I use this as the adjective before mothering it is a bit overwhelming too! But I still like it nonetheless. Something I love to do for a past time is read a lot of self-help books. I’ve decided that the reason I like it so much is because I take my job as a mother very seriously and I’m always looking for ways to perfect it. Since circumstances and needs of 5 children are ever changing, I’m sure that it is a quest and need that will never go away. I love being a mom, but it is stinking hard. HARD! I didn’t know it would be such a challenge when I signed onto the job as a new mom at age 21; but if it wasn’t such a challenge I’m certain the joy and rewards, when they come, wouldn’t feel as amazing! I’ve learned through the course of my study and planning that parenting/mothering is not for wimps. I have to be strong and not care when my child says, “I hate you” or glares at me then rolls her eyes. I can’t take it personal when the tantrums, pouting, and sulking pour out abundantly, nor be humiliated and embarrassed when mistakes happen in public and both of us forget the things we know we should do. I just have to say that what I do know for sure is that I am an imperfect mother who loves her imperfect children. The family quest is to be our best selves (whatever it is for the given day). This sure is a healthy approach and I will need to refer back to this paragraph when the pressure is turned on again and emotions are flaring. 🙂
As stated above, I have sort of an obsession with self-help kinds of books. Again as I think about this, I’m always trying to look for ways to make what I do everyday better. I also like to have fresh and new ideas to try and see what possibilities are out there. I also enjoy learning and seeing things from many different perspectives. So I would like to take a second and give a shout out to some great books that I’ve gleaned ideas from through the past years.
#1 – First off the bat, I cannot stress enough the importance it has been for me to read the scriptures! When I read from the scriptures I am inspired by the kinds of parents found in there. The amount of faith needed many years ago is probably the same amount of faith that I need now to teach my children the ways of God. Through reading the scriptures I understand my own nothingness and the need for acknowledging that these children in my home are actually God’s children – that they are on loan to me here on earth. With this in mind it becomes paramount that I use the life-line that prayer can be in giving me the inspiration needed to reach the spirits that have come to live in my home. If I can keep focused on where we all came from and what our purpose and goal is in being here, I will be able to be like the parents I read about in the scriptures. Right now my favorite advice given in the Book of Mormon is from Lehi. It is found in 1 Nephi 8:37-38, it is a great couple of verses, but the last line says it all for ME personally, “and he did cease speaking to them.” LOVE this advice. Sometimes I just need to trust my kids after I’ve said & done all I can, then let them decide for themselves.
#2, #3, #4 – Three books from Richard and Linda Eyre: The Entitlement Trap, Teaching your Children Values, and How to talk to your child about sex. The Entitlement Trap came at a time in my life when I needed to learn about teaching and expecting ownership in my children – ownership is the remedy to entitlement. I needed to know that when they make mistakes it is good and ok for them to own up to them and I don’t have to take them on and feel the guilt from them. I also learned that ownership is linked to many different life experiences, such as: our health, money, testimonies, relationships, etc… The book, Teaching your Children Values gives parents the idea of focusing on specific values each month for a year. Honesty is the first value and we learned that honesty is the foundation of all other principles. I LOVED teaching this and focusing on it and now we are building. This month we are teaching about peace-ability – something that our home could greatly benefit from. I typed & printed off the suggested monthly word and magnetized it to our fridge where it can be stared at every time we eat as a reminder. How to Teach your Child about Sex – a super uncomfortable and awkward subject before reading the book and a less super uncomfortable and awkward subject afterward. It gives great dialoguing and suggestions to teach appropriate ways to explain where babies come from. It treats the subject as “the most wonderful beautiful and awesome thing in the world” – I think that is cool. If you think about it, it really shouldn’t be embarrassing, we need to be the ones to teach this NOT the radio, TV/movies, friends, school, or internet. I want my kids to know they can talk to Stephen and I about this and that we treat this subject as respectful, special, wonderful, and sacred.
#5 – The Child Whisperer – by, Carol Tuttle. This book has really given me a new way to look at all people not just my children. Carol Tuttle teaches that we all are born with a “nature” something we generally call our personality and that our nature and facial/body features are connected. She has broken it down into four “types” – very much like the color-code book (think red, blue, white, & yellow) but on a much deeper level. I really appreciated reading this book! It helps me be much more patient and understanding as a parent. It helps give me ideas of ways to connect with the different needs/natures of my children and reasons to why they behave and act certain ways. It also empowers me with what I can do to support them in living true to who they are. I also learned a lot about myself and am more gentle, accepting, and content with my own “Type 4/1” nature. I don’t feel such a need to try to be like “so and so”, but just focus on being my best self. If we were all the same it would be a boring world. I like how this book teaches us to appreciate the wonderful attributes that others have to offer and be ok with ourselves.
#6 – The Parenting Breakthrough, by Merrilee Browne Boyak. I LOVE this book – it is my most recent read. It gives the reader great ideas on why its important to have kids work! She explains that when kids learn how to work, and provide for themselves and acquire other necessary life skills they need to know before they are 18 and leave our homes, that they will have more confidence and better self-respect and esteem. She has a comical way of taking the reader through the book so it is light hearted, yet important. She comes across as a REAL mother, even though she clearly has it all together. Favorite things from this book are the idea of creating a family time line, not being afraid to have tough love and expect kids to work, and teaching skills that will in turn give our children the confidence they need to navigate life when they leave the comforts of our home and need to be independent. I highly recommend that ALL parents read this book.
Diamond in the Rough
Picture in your mind all of the beautiful & different shapes a diamond can be cut into. If you had to quickly determine which shape you would choose if you got to be known at the end of your life as one of these shapes, which would you pick? I would like to point out that all of these shaped diamonds are beautiful and priceless and have each had to go through a refining process.
Now some questions to consider, what if all of the diamonds in the world could only be cut one way – like round? Wouldn’t it be boring? I think you can see where I’m going with this. One of the phrases we use in life about potential is “she’s a diamond in the rough” – which would literally mean a piece of coal, but figuratively speaking mean someone who is going to become something amazing. So have you decided shape do you think you would be? How do you express yourself in your own unique way? You may have some things in common with your friends, but I am confident there are also just as many differences. Some of us are small, some of us are tall; some may prefer brown skirts, others of us like black; Some have been blessed with a tender and soft heart, others with bold and unwavering devotion; Some of us are spunky and know how to get to work and get ‘er done. Others have the gift to make things light and fun. Which shape do you like to sparkle in? For each of us there is a unique way that we will feel most capable of “coming unto to Christ and being perfected in Him”. Let’s not fight against those capabilities but magnify them & embrace them.
And on the other hand let us appreciate the other people we admire for their unique examples and then use this understanding as we work together to perfect ourselves. We don’t all have to be the same. Each of us is enough being uniquely who we are inside & out– we don’t all have to be the same “shape”. Isn’t that refreshing? We can each ultimately become the diamonds we are meant to be as we handle the pressures of life, but in the end our shapes will be specific to whom we have always been, even before the world began.
!A word of caution! How many of you know what a cubic Zirconia is? Cubic zirconia—commonly called CZ—is widely used as an inexpensive diamond substitute. I found this quote from Macys.com when researching about diamonds: “There’s no need to shell out the big bucks for a diamond dazzler. Cubic zirconia jewelry offers a unique eye-catching shimmer without having to break the bank.” To the untrained eye, a brand new CZ looks like a real diamond. This is why many people substitute them for the real thing. The two substances may look similar—especially when new and clean—but they’re not! Unlike diamonds, CZ’s scratch and become dull and lifeless over the long term. They don’t sparkle like real diamonds either once you’ve worn them for a bit. The world would have us believe that superficial things are real and that we can sacrifice quality. Please DON’T BELIEVE it. The world is the big and spacious building we read about in Nephi’s account of the tree of life. I think sometimes when we pick up a magazine and see the flawless faces of the models it’s hard not to believe the little lies that Satan places in our thoughts, that we are ugly and not good enough. That we will never be that good. What we don’t see is the unhealthy habits or the air brushing techniques that accomplished the flawless look. It is hard to see the picture for what it truly is. It looks like a diamond, but it’s really only a CZ right? Would could use this example with countless other things.
Let’s put all of these ideas together. A CZ would probably go through the motions of going to church and taking the sacrament, but not ever develop a deep rooted testimony. A flawless and uniquely shaped diamond in the rough, might look like this depending on our strengths. Some may show love to God by reading their scriptures diligently, others will want to do something like go on a hike and feel reverence for the creations that God has given to us to enjoy. A few others of us will find it easy to be a cheerleader with encouraging words when others feel down; some of you will find it easy to reach out and give someone a hug or make them a favorite treat to demonstrate how much you care. As we embrace that we truly are a diamond in the rough, it is easier to stay focused on keeping the two greatest commandments to love God and love one another. Our brother, Jesus Christ’s, perfect example of humble confidence is one for each of us to strive for no matter what cut we are. He had the humility necessary to glory in “His father”, and then through that found the confidence He needed to heal lepers, feed the hungry, give the blind their sight, walk on water, teach forgiveness, and help the homeless. He is there for us, waiting with arms open wide. He will mold our lives and change our willing hearts. He will safely guide us and gently lead us through our “roughness” until we are ready to stand before Heavenly Father at the end our days as a uniquely shaped & sparkling diamond. I know this is true for each of us!
A few thoughts about mortal bodies
The other day our family was having a dinnertime conversation to which JT posed a question after the topic of birthdays came up. He said, “Mom, what day was I born on?” Finding this question puzzling since I knew that he knew the date of his birthday I reminded him, “February 26th.” He had the happiest most amazed look, and exclaimed with his sparkling eyes and raspy voice, “I was born on my birthday!” Of course this produced a round of laughter. Isn’t child like wonder a magical thing?
When I was a little girl, one of the questions I remember wondering to my parents was, “Why didn’t you name me a cute and more common name like Stephanie?” To which I felt like I was given a few unsatisfactory explanations, until one day my mom finally said; “We had a couple of names in mind, and we just thought you looked more like a Jodi than a Penny”. After that I decided that my parents chose the perfect name for me. My brothers and sister still call me by my nickname, “Jo”. Some of us have often heard the phrase, “just your average Jo” when referring to someone that is typical or common. A few years ago I connected something, I had an ah-hah moment when I realized; this is totally true about me! I let the idea roll around in my head until it stuck to my inner thoughts. I genuinely felt ok about it all because I tend to want to comfortably blend in most of the time. I wonder if any of you have ever felt this way too at times, even if your nickname isn’t Jo? I’ll explain later how this relates to my talk, so be just be patient with me.
But for now, I would love to take time with you to tap into our inner birthday child wonder and rediscover how awesome it is that we were born on our birthdays!
It’s actually amazing isn’t it that we were born and are living here on earth at this time? If we really have a testimony of the Plan of Salvation, in particular that we lived in Heaven as spirits before we came to earth in mortality, this notion is reason to celebrate big time! This is our chance to see how we are going to continue to choose Jesus Christ as our Savior, we know from what we’ve been taught that we did choose to follow him before we came and that is why we were given the privilege to receive an earthly body. We have been waiting a pretty long time to get our turn to see what we can do around here, somewhere roughly around the 6000-year mark. This is one of the reasons I want to believe that birthdays can still be just as magical at 39, 6 or 73 after all it’s the anniversary of the day you and I received these bodies we came to church in today, the bodies that were created in the image of God as we’ve been taught.
In His conference address entitled, “Decisions for Eternity”, Russell M. Nelson gave a beautiful description of these bodies that house our spirits. He said, “My professional years as a medical doctor gave me a profound respect for the human body. Created by God as a gift to you, it is absolutely amazing! Think of your eyes that see, ears that hear, and fingers that feel all the wondrous things around you. Your brain lets you learn, think, and reason. Your heart pumps tirelessly day and night, almost without your awareness. Your body protects itself. Pain comes as a warning that something is wrong and needs attention. Infectious illnesses strike from time to time, and when they do, antibodies are formed that increase your resistance to subsequent infection. Your body repairs itself. Cuts and bruises heal. Broken bones can become strong once again.” End quote. Isn’t this a WONDER?!
Elder David Bednar enlightened us with something very serious to consider during his conference address from April 2013, “As sons and daughters of God, we have inherited divine capacities from Him. But we presently live in a fallen world. The very elements out of which are bodies were created are by nature fallen and ever subject to the pull of sin, corruption, and death. … And yet we are dual beings, for our spirit that is the eternal part of us is tabernacle in a physical body that is subject to the Fall. As Jesus emphasized to the Apostle Peter, The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41).Because a physical body is so central to the Father’s plan of happiness and our spiritual development, Lucifer seeks to frustrate our progression by tempting us to use our bodies improperly. The very tool he does not have is thus the primary target of his attempts to lure us to spiritual destruction.” Close quote.
Unfortunately, this is true, and as I’ve gotten older I’m see that the world’s influences swim upon us in big waves as we are trying to remember this. I want to again accentuate Satan and his followers didn’t get the honor of having an earthy body and they are more than jealous! I’m sure they are delighted to see things like: addictions to food, drugs, gaming, pornography; media influences that mock virtue; infidelity and immorality; and domestic violence and abuse to name just a few. These are all things that Satan and his followers throw at us, whether we are watching, participating, or a victim of somebody else’s choice these are a reality. All of these and more can truly leave us heartbroken, confused, and questioning.
Elder Russell M. Nelson gave us hope when he acknowledged, “Mistakes happen. Errors are made. Sins are committed. What can we do then? We can learn from them. And we can truly repent [and I am going to insert her forgive ourselves and others]. We can change our behavior. Our very desire can change. How? There is only one way. True change, permanent change, can come only through the healing, cleansing, and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He loves you, each of you! He allows you to access His power as you keep His commandments, eagerly, earnestly, and exactly. It is that simple and certain.” End quote
Our flesh and bones were the first gift we received in mortality. We only get one body. We must be watchful to not believe the lies of negative and destructive behavior or thinking that Satan places before us. In YW each week we recite, “We are daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves us, and we love Him. We will stand (this sometimes means literally with our bodies) as witnesses of Him at all times, in all things, and in all places. It is true for sons and daughters alike and no matter what age we are! As we keep God’s commandments, we prove that we are worthy of our destiny to become like Him. We all matter and we each have a unique purpose, Heavenly Father loves us! IF this is true, and my testimony is that is absolutely is, that means that individually we can do amazing things that will become extraordinary when joined together as followers and disciples of Jesus Christ. We matter! Nobody is just an average Jo- not even me!
Lastly, I would like to say, “happy birth day” to each one of us. It is my testimony that God does have a plan for us. It was presented to us before the world began. We have been waiting for our turn to come here and have this experience to prove our willingness to continue to follow the Savior in these latter days! Our bodies, no matter the current condition, are amazing. Let us not take for granted the gift and opportunity it is to be living the mortal experience. Let us be grateful for the challenges our bodies give us to remind us that at least we have one. Let us have respect for them and other people’s and treat them with dignity and virtue, never to defile the miraculous gift for what it is. It is my hope and prayer that we may each cherish every day of our mortal lives and be found as one ready to become who the Lord needs us to be as we help the rest of our spirit brothers and sisters throughout the world understand this important truth.
You’re gonna hear me RoAr
Dear Satan,
I heard a great quote once from a lady I greatly admire. Julie B. Beck told all of us women at BYU Women’s Conference, “I have said lately that women are like lionesses at the gate of the home. Whatever happens in that home and family, happens because she cares about it and it matters to her. She guards that gate, and things matter to that family if they matter to her.” Guess what – I believe her! I even put a picture of a lioness in my room where I see it every day as a reminder.
So Satan, I know you like to make me feel like I am a crappy parent and that what I do isn’t making a difference. I know you like to whisper negative thoughts into my ear about how I don’t contribute to society because all I do is stay home all day and that I should go get a job or go back to school and get a career so I can drive a fancy car. I know you want me to believe that my kids don’t listen to a word I say or care about things that are important to me. I know you are the one that tells me it’s ok to be upset and angry and overwhelmed when things don’t go my way or my house is a complete disaster. I know you are trying to keep me so busy and tired that I don’t want to stay awake to read my scriptures or pray when I go to bed at night. I know that you are the one that tells me that FHE was a failure when kids fight the whole time, or that when our family only reads one verse in our scriptures for family scripture study because we slept in too long that we aren’t dedicated enough. You are the one who tells my kids that they are a loser or aren’t good enough. You are the genuine author who puts naughty lyrics to a catchy tune. You are the one who makes us all feel worthless and alone and like failures. I really don’t like you, you know that? You really get on my nerves.
I have faith in the idea that Sister Julie B. Beck counseled. You can count on me to do everything in MY POWER to keep YOU out of my home because I care that all of us acquire and strengthen our own testimonies of Jesus Christ. I care that we remember that we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us. I care that we keep our covenants. I care that we are surrounding ourselves with wholesome and uplifting things. I care that we are good friends as well as choose friends with high gospel standards. I care that we learn to love and serve each other. I care that we follow the prophet. I care that we have a desire to represent Jesus Christ and serve a mission to share the gospel with others. I care that we understand that the Family is of God. I care that we hold fast to the knowledge that marriage is between a man and a women that love, honor, and devote themselves to each other. I care that we are preparing ourselves to go to the temple. I care that we keep the commandments and are honest, hard working, and humble. I care that we know how much power can come through scripture study and prayer. I care that we care about good grades and want to continue learning for the rest of our lives. I care that we participate in activities that will keep our bodies healthy and strong. I care that we acquire talents that will give us confidence now and the ability to serve later. ALL of this matters to ME! So watch out, “You’re gonna hear me Roar…louder than a lion cause I am a champion.”
Sincerely,
Jodi
p.s. Please thank your friend, Katy Perry for the chorus of her new song that I quoted above… It reminds me of being the Lioness at the gate of my home. Actually, while you’re at it, will you let her know that I am NOT a fan of her morals or dress code. Thanks that will be all. 🙂
A glass half full of realism
When considering a glass of water one is asked: is it Half Full or Half Empty? It is barometer of sorts to see if one is an optimist or a pessimist. I like to smile really big and tell everybody I’m a realist. My family teases me and tells me I’m a dream killer. haha
Yesterday, Lily came home from school with a heavy little heart. The last few months at school have been pretty dramatic with the girls she has interacted with this year. My heart was sad for her. It is so silly that one girl says they won’t be your friend if you are friends with a certain different girl. Who decided to put such high stakes on friendship? Can’t everybody just ALL be friends? I wanted to take the hurt and frustration away and protect her from all of the attacks that were being made against her self-esteem armor. To keep it real I wanted to march right over and knock on the “rude” little girl’s door and give her a lesson on being nice. But I can’t fight rudeness with more rudeness right? I can’t, and I shouldn’t – I won’t. It is more beneficial to “kill them with kindness” even if it isn’t our first reaction. 🙂 It is a hard thing to understand and realize that as a mature and wise person the best way to rescue and help our children is to be a shoulder to cry on and have a smile to offer when they feel they don’t have a friend left in the world – even when your own heart is breaking inside for their hurt. Offering them a home where they can feel safe and protected emotionally as well a physically is of high importance. I am grateful to be a mother and try my best to be this person for my children. I have gone through similar experiences with Lexi and Mason, and I’m sure to experience this same scenario many more time with each of them in addition to Olivia & JT.
To fight back against the sorrow and drama so prevalent, I suggested that Lily make some cookies and think of somebody to share them with, because I know it helps me when I feel like she was feeling. She reluctantly took me up on the suggestion, and as I came into the kitchen and watched her melting butter and cocoa together I could see her spirits lifting – slowly but surely. I joined her cookie making efforts and in the end we both felt better. She composed a couple of notes for two of her friends whose loyalty and kindness she really appreciates. We talked about how easy it is to see the bad things that are happening and less likely to see the good, by digging a little we recognized a few good things that happened and pretty soon we were on a roll “counting our blessings.”
The cookies were delivered and we came home for FHE. As much as I tried to stay positive and patient with things, I could feel myself sinking into frustration quickly. Kids fighting, kids not wanting to help, kids feeling pressured to get homework finished, whining, complaining, Stephen not getting home until 6:30, trying to share important feelings on FHE topic and feeling like nobody is listening, planting the garden as a family and feeling like my opinion was being interpreted as “naggy” and too high of expectations. I was tired physically and it was obviously manifesting itself emotionally inside of me. After trying to stay strong and be as neutral as possible as to not set off a bomb, we finally said the family prayer – a signal the day would finally end and afterward I quickly exclaimed,”I’m going to bed.” I was scared of my emotional self. I sensed that Stephen was tired of the demanding expectations he must feel like I always have; I felt discouraged as I worried that Alexis views me as a slothful mother who always makes her do all of the work; I was overwhelmed at the fact that Mason was overwhelmed with homework and probably could have used some extra support & help; I was frustrated with Lily and her temper and stubbornness about not getting to take a shower before bed, but it was too late; I was annoyed that Olivia’s room smelled like urine and I was too unorganized of a mom and didn’t get all of her smelly clothes washed, in addition to being mad at myself for not helping her overcome her wetting habits; I was remorsefully reflective that I haven’t recently been taking opportunities to tuck JT into bed each night with a song or a story because I was too exhausted.
Then, just as was about asleep, Stephen broke the news to me, that Lexi feels like it’s all her fault that I am feeling overwhelmed. “Great!”, I sarcastically thought but could not let out the response. I had become an empty shell who couldn’t and didn’t want to feel anymore for the day – I had shut down. I closed my eyes and prayed a silent prayer that things would be better when I woke up. But when the alarm clock rang my body and mind felt the same. After hitting snooze twice, I willed myself to wake up but couldn’t find the strength or courage to feel even “half full” – I was “half empty” as my feet hit the floor. I ran down the road with my thoughts & a prayer and tried to sort through everything. It was a ping pong match against negative and positive thoughts – discouragement then hope. I am grateful that I have a Heavenly Father whose has a “shoulder I can cry on”, and offers me “emotional safety”. As I sorted and sifted and humbled myself enough to feel the answers I needed, the answers came concerning my current state: 1. I need to study my scriptures more (not just read the words) to continually recognize how much I need the Lord’s influence daily in my life 2. I need to play and have quality time with my kids – it is time to really play, really talk (the demands of all of the extras in my life need to take a back seat to enjoying time with my growing children) 3. I need to forget about me – talk less & listen more, realize that my quiet humility is much more valuable than my boisterous pride. Funny thing in all of this – I already knew these answers last night, I just needed to take the time to really want to overcome my selfish and stubborn nature.
And just for the record, I am so blessed to get to live in a family unit and experience the unconditional love they offer as well as the encouragement when I have a bad day.
So in less than 24 hours I have experienced optimism, pessimism, and found myself back at realistic. I am recognizing in this moment how much I learn being a parent. I certainly can’t encourage Lily to be forgiving and look for the good in life when I am not willing to do it myself. I appreciate the opportunity to help her through her experience, because in essence by trying to teach her the best way to handle a bad day, I was able to – in my own way – re-teach myself.
Now it’s time for me to go find somebody to “take cookies and a note to”. 🙂
Someday
This morning I found out that my cousin, Mandall Beattie, passed away. My heart is sad as I reflect the years I spent with him and my Uncle Morgan’s family as we grew up. We ate a lot of cake and ice cream together each year as we celebrated birthdays and living well in Burton, Idaho. As he grew up, it seemed that he struggled through life trying to find his way and himself – don’t we all? But I loved him like I love any of my cousins and could recognize his good heart. I think of his children, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends left behind to sort through pieces and try to understand. Hurt and grief is so painfully real and I can’t even begin to imagine how badly it must feel – especially for his five children. Tender feelings of compassion and empathy for them are easy for me to find but difficult to express through my own words or actions. It is humbling and relieving to know that Heavenly Father is in charge and we can be instruments in his hands when our heart is in the right place and it’s the right time. It’s amazing to also know that because of the sacrifices made by our brother, Jesus Christ, our hearts can heal. Because of him we can find the peace we seek. It is miraculous.
I’ve been sitting at my piano. A place I find myself when my feelings get all mixed up and I feel helpless inside. I begin to work out my sadness through each note – it is very therapeutic. Eventually I ended with the song, “Someday He will Come.” This song becomes the words to the testimony my heart wants to speak. I can’t wait for the day when Jesus Christ will come again and there will be continual peace ….
“Someday He will come, sure as we live and breathe. One day every man and woman living on the earth will see His face. Someday. Someday He will come, sure as the seasons change. He will call the children to Him, He will bless the souls of every race. Someday. When He comes the world will melt away, earthly things will slip right through our hands. Leaving just our hearts to stand before Him – just our lives to speak for what we’ve done – what we’ve become. Someday He will come, sure as the end of day. When I humbly bow before Him will He find me worthy of His mercy and His grace? I will speak of Him with every breath. I will seek His sprit all my days. Everything I am I will surrender, just to know Him when this life is done – when He comes. Someday.”
Learning to Swim
I have been on a quest to achieve balance in my life for several years! It is a game that I play with myself that I never feel like I’ll come close to winning. I study articles, I vent about it with my friends, I talk about it while I eat dinner with Stephen on our dates, I look for examples around me, and then I feel bewildered as I excuse myself falling short. I set the goal and put new ideas into motion and then realize after random evaluations that I need to try again. On some days I can’t take the time to care, because I am spinning and juggling and swimming in the sea of insanity, but yesterday, as I drove down the road in my dirty car all by myself I noticed the beautiful weather and the promise of spring nudged at my memory. It spiraled random thoughts in my head until I ended up with the idea that just like the seasons are constantly changing – so are the events in my life. I determined that just when I begin to feel a handle on “things” and feel optimistic that I can manage, a “new” event enters the scene and the balancing act starts over. And so the story goes….This has to be why as I constantly seek balance, I feel like I’m on a treadmill for life. The trick, I discovered through my thoughts yesterday, is to keep the objective in mind, but also be realistic & flexible with myself and just keep trying. I think this is the process Heavenly Father has in mind. Balancing life is more of a quest or journey – something ideal to try for, but it most certainly will never have a finality or end – like sleeping and eating. And now that I stopped to process it all, I like this concept of “balancing” more. There is a great article in the February 2012 Ensign on it all.
The words of Dory the fish from “Finding Nemo” find new meaning to me and I sing, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.”
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Yesterday we spent time after church relaxing and recuperating after a wonderful holiday! It has been such a beautiful time to spend time with family and visit our friends with happy wishes.
I had a special request to turn on our home movies because I have been feeling like I’ve been missing just spending time with my little family and realizing how fast they are growing up. I felt like I wanted to snuggle up with each of them on the couch and reminisce the good ole’ days! We had fun looking at how little and cute our family was over the past 9 years. I wish somehow we could appreciate life more as we live it. Because doesn’t it seem like as we rewind through it with pictures and movies that it was “the life”? Probably because we don’t usually pull out a video camera when we are all feeling grumpy and upset and fighting with each other.
It used to be that as I viewed pictures or movies of myself from the past that I would cringe just a little and wish I were skinnier, less vocal, more relaxed, have cuter hair, or be better dressed. BUT yesterday as I looked on snuggled up to my people who love me unconditionally I dared to look through different eyes. I found that I really love that person I used to be, after all she has gotten me where I am today. And I can honestly say that I am living my dream life. I am actually exceeding my dreams in expectation and satisfaction. What a blessed life I get to live!. So as I looked at the past and accepted me for who I was, it felt pretty therapeutic. I didn’t feel a need to shout out an apology or mock myself in an unhealthy way – I just smiled inside instead. Perhaps it is that I am more mature and realize better what really matters in life? Maybe I am just too tired to care anymore? Possibly both?
Either way I look at it, I have finally come to peace with an unconscious competition I was having with the world. It’s not about people being better than me – we are all different for a reason. There is so much to learn from each other, it is a shame that at times we get trapped into being too self conscience and comparing ourselves to other people – not feeling like we are as good as… How much happier we can be if we choose to instead see the beauty and various talents each person has come to the world to offer.
Yesterday I was able to put myself as a participator in life instead of a being a spectator. Heavenly Father has put us on the earth and views us as equals (even me)- this makes me think of a horizontal approach rather than a vertical one where we tend to see how much farther up the ladder we are getting or live in fear that we are the lowest on the totem pole, so to speak – like pieces in a game. I believe that we are actually meant to be here standing side by side (think horizontally) ready to encourage, uplift, and cheer for each other through the good and bad times.
What the World needs now are …. BUILDERS!
What the World needs now are… builders!
Today I was able to have an experience that leaves me with this realization: we need more “builders” in the world – and on a more personal note, closer to my home, in fact a 2-mile radius would be nice! 🙂
I am writing this entry as therapy to work through a crazy experience I had today….
I remember a talk or quote given at some church function, that I cannot now remember who to give rightful credit. It makes me sad because I would love to reread it now. I was left with the thought at the time of hearing it, that we as people need to, “seek to be a builder and not to destroy”. I tried lds.org to find the talk, and struck out. I’m sure if I dig a little deeper I’ll find it, maybe someone out there can help?
This morning I was torn down and then spit out like mush. My feelings were tender. I felt like a little girl that was getting in trouble for something I didn’t even do. I was misunderstood in the middle of a thought and not given a chance to explain in fullness before I was curtly interrupted with a 5-minute verbal beating. I didn’t like it, who would? I can’t remember ever having someone “get in my face” (even though it was over the phone) like this – and especially concerning my calling; a calling I didn’t solicit for myself, but accepted from the Lord. I had a pit in my stomach and felt so dark with sadness. I pleaded to heaven for help to know what to do and say, and to try to take my personal feelings out of the equation. It was hard and I’m sure I could have said things that were better! I bet this is what it feels like to be a missionary on an everyday occasion.
We all have these kinds of experiences once in a while and it makes us appreciate the “builders” – the people who see the glass half full. I love to be around people who are positive and energized in good things, comments, and thoughts. It builds me and makes happy. It motivates me to become better. I need people like that in my life and gravitate toward people like this. I love my husband, Stephen, for it because he is a builder in word and deed. It has to be one of the reasons I married him. I know he learned a lot of this vision from his dad, who is also a builder in both aspects as well!
For now it is up to me to be a big girl & learn how to LOVE the “destroyer” in this occasion – even when it feels hard. I am grateful to my Savior who was a perfect example in this. It makes it easier to not feel as selfish and self-reflective in my deflated state when I consider that I have a brother who was beat, spit upon, wrongly accused, and crucified because of “destroying” mentalities. Now, I am not trying to compare my incident to that of the Savior, because my little trial is a grain of sand to that (even less); but my thoughts turn to him now and I am reverenced at the magnitude of his love as he exclaimed with nailed hands & feet on his cross, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
Perhaps I was given this experience to help strengthen my testimony in him and understand the love he has for ALL of us – builders & destroyers? For me that is enough and I can now let this rest with that knowledge.
The answer I prayed for and received as I have written this : Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly to. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you.