When considering a glass of water one is asked: is it Half Full or Half Empty? It is barometer of sorts to see if one is an optimist or a pessimist. I like to smile really big and tell everybody I’m a realist. My family teases me and tells me I’m a dream killer. haha
Yesterday, Lily came home from school with a heavy little heart. The last few months at school have been pretty dramatic with the girls she has interacted with this year. My heart was sad for her. It is so silly that one girl says they won’t be your friend if you are friends with a certain different girl. Who decided to put such high stakes on friendship? Can’t everybody just ALL be friends? I wanted to take the hurt and frustration away and protect her from all of the attacks that were being made against her self-esteem armor. To keep it real I wanted to march right over and knock on the “rude” little girl’s door and give her a lesson on being nice. But I can’t fight rudeness with more rudeness right? I can’t, and I shouldn’t – I won’t. It is more beneficial to “kill them with kindness” even if it isn’t our first reaction. 🙂 It is a hard thing to understand and realize that as a mature and wise person the best way to rescue and help our children is to be a shoulder to cry on and have a smile to offer when they feel they don’t have a friend left in the world – even when your own heart is breaking inside for their hurt. Offering them a home where they can feel safe and protected emotionally as well a physically is of high importance. I am grateful to be a mother and try my best to be this person for my children. I have gone through similar experiences with Lexi and Mason, and I’m sure to experience this same scenario many more time with each of them in addition to Olivia & JT.
To fight back against the sorrow and drama so prevalent, I suggested that Lily make some cookies and think of somebody to share them with, because I know it helps me when I feel like she was feeling. She reluctantly took me up on the suggestion, and as I came into the kitchen and watched her melting butter and cocoa together I could see her spirits lifting – slowly but surely. I joined her cookie making efforts and in the end we both felt better. She composed a couple of notes for two of her friends whose loyalty and kindness she really appreciates. We talked about how easy it is to see the bad things that are happening and less likely to see the good, by digging a little we recognized a few good things that happened and pretty soon we were on a roll “counting our blessings.”
The cookies were delivered and we came home for FHE. As much as I tried to stay positive and patient with things, I could feel myself sinking into frustration quickly. Kids fighting, kids not wanting to help, kids feeling pressured to get homework finished, whining, complaining, Stephen not getting home until 6:30, trying to share important feelings on FHE topic and feeling like nobody is listening, planting the garden as a family and feeling like my opinion was being interpreted as “naggy” and too high of expectations. I was tired physically and it was obviously manifesting itself emotionally inside of me. After trying to stay strong and be as neutral as possible as to not set off a bomb, we finally said the family prayer – a signal the day would finally end and afterward I quickly exclaimed,”I’m going to bed.” I was scared of my emotional self. I sensed that Stephen was tired of the demanding expectations he must feel like I always have; I felt discouraged as I worried that Alexis views me as a slothful mother who always makes her do all of the work; I was overwhelmed at the fact that Mason was overwhelmed with homework and probably could have used some extra support & help; I was frustrated with Lily and her temper and stubbornness about not getting to take a shower before bed, but it was too late; I was annoyed that Olivia’s room smelled like urine and I was too unorganized of a mom and didn’t get all of her smelly clothes washed, in addition to being mad at myself for not helping her overcome her wetting habits; I was remorsefully reflective that I haven’t recently been taking opportunities to tuck JT into bed each night with a song or a story because I was too exhausted.
Then, just as was about asleep, Stephen broke the news to me, that Lexi feels like it’s all her fault that I am feeling overwhelmed. “Great!”, I sarcastically thought but could not let out the response. I had become an empty shell who couldn’t and didn’t want to feel anymore for the day – I had shut down. I closed my eyes and prayed a silent prayer that things would be better when I woke up. But when the alarm clock rang my body and mind felt the same. After hitting snooze twice, I willed myself to wake up but couldn’t find the strength or courage to feel even “half full” – I was “half empty” as my feet hit the floor. I ran down the road with my thoughts & a prayer and tried to sort through everything. It was a ping pong match against negative and positive thoughts – discouragement then hope. I am grateful that I have a Heavenly Father whose has a “shoulder I can cry on”, and offers me “emotional safety”. As I sorted and sifted and humbled myself enough to feel the answers I needed, the answers came concerning my current state: 1. I need to study my scriptures more (not just read the words) to continually recognize how much I need the Lord’s influence daily in my life 2. I need to play and have quality time with my kids – it is time to really play, really talk (the demands of all of the extras in my life need to take a back seat to enjoying time with my growing children) 3. I need to forget about me – talk less & listen more, realize that my quiet humility is much more valuable than my boisterous pride. Funny thing in all of this – I already knew these answers last night, I just needed to take the time to really want to overcome my selfish and stubborn nature.
And just for the record, I am so blessed to get to live in a family unit and experience the unconditional love they offer as well as the encouragement when I have a bad day.
So in less than 24 hours I have experienced optimism, pessimism, and found myself back at realistic. I am recognizing in this moment how much I learn being a parent. I certainly can’t encourage Lily to be forgiving and look for the good in life when I am not willing to do it myself. I appreciate the opportunity to help her through her experience, because in essence by trying to teach her the best way to handle a bad day, I was able to – in my own way – re-teach myself.
Now it’s time for me to go find somebody to “take cookies and a note to”. 🙂