I just returned home last night from a wonderful reunion with my extended Baldwin family – the family I grew up with. This year we went to Stanley, ID. It was a beautiful place to behold.
As I’ve been attending various events with my brothers and sister and their families over the year – this weekend included, I have been paying attention to my inner self. I’ve been trying to make sense out of my identity and role as a sister. Sometimes amidst the busy days of life, I forget that I am a sister. I begin to live as if my role as a sister is more past tense than present or future. So I’m left to wonder, what is my purpose now in this family that I grew up in, how do I fit in with my extended family as I bring my own growing family and husband along, how am I assessed by extended family as they see me more rarely than often? What kind of impression do I leave when we all depart large family gatherings?
Do they know of my concern for each of them and their children? Do they realize how much I care about what happens to them personally? Do they understand how important they still are to me in my life? I’m for sure that I am NOT good at communicating effectively or clearly all of those feelings, especially in such a short and sporadic time such as a weekend. I hope that layers upon layers over the process of a lifetime will suffice. The demands and schedules of my own immediate families needs feel hard enough to keep up with right now, but I’m discovering that my care and concern is still there for my siblings who’ve helped me become the person I am today. I fear that my desires and actions of expression are not evenly matched up at this point.
All of us have obviously moved on down life’s trail – getting married, having children, learning to stay tough through trials and disappointment, & rejoicing in moments of bliss. We no longer have the same relationships we did when we lived behind the walls of our old Burton home. I no longer hear the rock music blasting from my oldest brother, Brad’s, radio, I don’t get to share a bedroom with my big sister, Michelle, anymore. I’m not getting rides to school with my brother Eric, or singing songs at the piano with Scott very often these days. What I find interesting is that although these relationships have changed out of necessity of growing older, the feeling of being a little sister remains in tact. Because of my little sister role, I think I will always be seeking approval, validation, and advice from all of the above persons mentioned the rest of my life. Is it a bad thing? I realize now that each of us siblings have many different ideals, approaches, and pressures to living life, but I also understand now that different doesn’t necessarily mean better or worse.
My hope is that I can be good enough, that I can make them proud, that they will feel unconditionally loved by me, that I can bring honor to our family name. Because out of all of the people in the entire universe, Heavenly Father sent the five of us, in our mortal state, to GET be called FaMiLy.