Category: Cogitation

I just returned home last night from a wonderful reunion with my extended Baldwin family – the family I grew up with. This year we went to Stanley, ID. It was a beautiful place to behold.

As I’ve been attending various events with my brothers and sister and their families over the year – this weekend included, I have been paying attention to my inner self. I’ve been trying to make sense out of my identity and role as a sister. Sometimes amidst the busy days of life, I forget that I am a sister. I begin to live as if my role as a sister is more past tense than present or future. So I’m left to wonder, what is my purpose now in this family that I grew up in, how do I fit in with my extended family as I bring my own growing family and husband along, how am I assessed by extended family as they see me more rarely than often? What kind of impression do I leave when we all depart large family gatherings?

Do they know of my concern for each of them and their children? Do they realize how much I care about what happens to them personally? Do they understand how important they still are to me in my life? I’m for sure that I am NOT good at communicating effectively or clearly all of those feelings, especially in such a short and sporadic time such as a weekend. I hope that layers upon layers over the process of a lifetime will suffice. The demands and schedules of my own immediate families needs feel hard enough to keep up with right now, but I’m discovering that my care and concern is still there for my siblings who’ve helped me become the person I am today. I fear that my desires and actions of expression are not evenly matched up at this point.

All of us have obviously moved on down life’s trail – getting married, having children, learning to stay tough through trials and disappointment, & rejoicing in moments of bliss. We no longer have the same relationships we did when we lived behind the walls of our old Burton home. I no longer hear the rock music blasting from my oldest brother, Brad’s, radio, I don’t get to share a bedroom with my big sister, Michelle, anymore. I’m not getting rides to school with my brother Eric, or singing songs at the piano with Scott very often these days. What I find interesting is that although these relationships have changed out of necessity of growing older, the feeling of being a little sister remains in tact. Because of my little sister role, I think I will always be seeking approval, validation, and advice from all of the above persons mentioned the rest of my life. Is it a bad thing? I realize now that each of us siblings have many different ideals, approaches, and pressures to living life, but I also understand now that different doesn’t necessarily mean better or worse.

My hope is that I can be good enough, that I can make them proud, that they will feel unconditionally loved by me, that I can bring honor to our family name. Because out of all of the people in the entire universe, Heavenly Father sent the five of us, in our mortal state, to GET be called FaMiLy.

Not board games. Not card games. Not party games. Not video games. Not sports games. Not even Olympic games.

No, the games I’m thinking about are the silly games people play with each other. The mind games. The reading between the lines games. The subliminal and obscure meanings and messages people send out. I’m calling them the people games. Sometimes we transition from acting grown up to reverting back into a child like state. I am a people watcher and have noticed. I am a person and have played.

Like…Have you ever been in a store and seen someone you know and purposefully turn and go the other direction so they won’t see you? Like….being disappointed and hurt, acting like it isn’t a big deal to the person who hurt us – and then holding a grudge (sometimes for years!) And what is the silent treatment all about, what does it accomplish?

Why do we sometimes play crazy emotional games with each other? Why can’t we all just be real? Do we sometimes feel afraid that people won’t like the “real us”? Are we so confused with our own selves that we don’t expect anyone to “get” us? Do we choose to make our previous comments or choices (or even others) enslave us and live up to the person we think people expect us to be? Why is it easier at sometimes to give someone the “benefit of the doubt”, and also on the other hand, find it such a natural reaction to be critical or judgmental of others? Is it possible that we build unnecessary fences so high that we can’t climb over them?

I’ve been there, done that, still DO that! Why?! It is silly. It is pointless. It hurts us and the people around us. It limits us. It confines and sentences us to feelings of sadness.

Here is something I’ve noticed for myself about playing these kind of people games. I’m thinking way too much about myself! When I am earnestly (not casually) seeking to be Christlike, actively seeking to think, act, become like Him the Game is Over! It is a powerful force to recon with – that kind of pure Love!

And just to throw it out there – this rambling is to be taken at face value. No people games being played here….:)

This week in particular I have been experiencing some “once in a life time” mom moments here on the battlefront.

I started the week off last Sunday morning snuggled up to Olivia in my bed. She had come in early morning for consolation and I pulled her onto my bed so I wouldn’t upset my slumber. Along came 6 am – and I heard the starting signs of throwing up. I acted quickly and shot upright, scooped her up and it was too late. Stinky, chunky throw up right in my face and down the front of my shirt, over ALL of our bed covers, all over her clothes, in her hair – you get the picture don’t you? NOT cool. I haven’t ever, in my almost 14 years of being a mom, experienced throw up puddled on my face – Urine? Yes. Puke. No.

Another first relating to throw up was 2 weeks prior. Olivia and JT were both camping out in our bed with us when Olivia started to “loose her cookies”, immediately as if on cue – JT began to spew forth. I thought to myself…”synchronized throw up, now that is a first?”

Yesterday I was fixing my hair while JT was making a potty break in my bathroom. He sat there chatting and then he said, “Mom, we have a stinking dirty house. We need to clean our house.”  He was saying this as he peered into the disgusting toilet. All the toilets in our house have been working over time with urgent vomiting attacks and they have met their match. They really were gross! So, today I decided to have JT help me get things cleaned up. We were in my bathroom once again, when he exclaimed, “Mom, I have really long teeth.” I had my back turned to him as I was cleaning my sinks. I was on autopilot nodding my head, when I snapped out of it!  I turned around to see him brushing his teeth with my “old cleaning toothbrushes!” I freaked, lost it, screamed so loud I scared the little fella. He immediately began crying out of fear from my exclamations. I had Olivia go downstairs to retrieve his toothbrush. I brushed and scrubbed his teeth and tongue better than I ever have (several times) – I had him drink tons of water to try and flush out the germs. Even as I type I am shuddering and fearful of what can/could happen.

I tell you what, the adventures I’m experiencing right now are keeping me young as I’m beginning to get gray hair and wrinkles.

FACT: I am a social exerciser – it is true. I have always enjoyed conversations and frankly I need something to take my mind off of the task at hand. My socialization becomes my distraction from thinking about how much I don’t like what I’m doing.

Well, more than a few times this summer I have been left with a choice: to enjoy the comforts of my soft bed or go outside and be welcomed by no one other than the rising sun. I am not going to lie – most of the times that I chose to get up and run solo were long and mentally painful. It became 45 minutes of me being too aware of my irregular breathing patterns and crunchy footsteps.

But today was different. Not different in that I wanted to lie in my soft, warm bed instead of getting up to run, but that the time spent was lovely and went by quickly. Today I was able to listen and be calm. I felt peace. I needed that. The sun and I had a good wordless talk. As I ran I put lots of band aides on my problems and it became a therapeutic and healing moment.

Things I want to remember from running with my self today:

1. I need to take at least 30 minutes of my day, everyday, to NOT talk, but to LISTEN and think without being interrupted. Reflect. Learn. Pray. Satan’s best way to keep me from doing the BEST things in life are distraction, being overwhelmed, and business. It seems that unless I conscientiously fight to make the important stuff happen, “life” with suck up every minute of my time until I go to bed realizing that I slipped up yet again. So watch out Satan I know your tricks on me, and I’m not going to have it anymore!

2. People pleasing is like walking a fine line. Sometimes it is good to please people, but like anything it can be taken too far. Balance is key with people pleasing. I have inherited the “people pleasing” gene and sometime the mark can get out of whack. As I think about this idea personally or collectively, I am left with these thoughts. I could write a book on this subject alone, but will leave it unwritten right now.

3. My mom heart needs to turn often to being more calm and more gentle and more understanding. Less critical, less caught up in business, less intent on daily regiment. I tend to notice mom’s who speak softly, take an extra moment to cuddle, or smile/laugh unconditionally through the ups and downs of being a mother. I notice them – they are my inspiration. I want to be MORE like them.

4. Live like you believe. The last song on my i phone shuffle today was “Live like you believe“. The words of the first verse & chorus wrap up all of my thoughts this morning perfectly:

“You have felt the warmth of the fire. You have seen a glimmer of light. It’s something that you have been missing inside, something that you have been longing to find. Hold on to the yearning and wherever you are on the journey.”

CHORUS: Live like you believe. Live like you know. it’s one sure way your faith will grow. Listen to your heart. Search in your soul and you’ll find the strength that you need. His light, the gift of His peace when you live like you believe.”

Yesterday I decided to wear my glasses instead of contacts. While out working in the garden they were abruptly and accidentally knocked off as Lily stepped in too close and whacked me in the face. I was a little stunned for a minute but then went intently back to work. Since I rarely wear them I didn’t really notice that my glasses had been knocked off. Then I looked up and things began looking blurry. (for those that don’t know, I am legally blind without glasses) I couldn’t figure out what was wrong because I’d forgotten that I’d been wearing glasses. (for those that don’t know, I have sporadic bouts of amnesia 🙂 ) Once I figured out that I was previously wearing glasses I started summoning for help. I knew that if I made one wrong step I could break the glasses. Stephen and Mason came to my aide and Mason eventually found them lying in one of our square foot gardens. I placed them back on top of my nose, smiled as I realized how amazing it is to see with full vision once again and then continued weeding. I began thinking about how wonderful it is to be able to see and how grateful I am for eye correction in these modern days.

As night set in, I thought of an analogy using my glasses experience as I contemplated Stephen’s impending trip to Guam. I decided that Stephen is like a pair of glasses for me. When he is physically away from me my life is hazy and not completely in focus. He is my support and cheerleader amidst lifes challenges. He stabilizes me and gives me vision in life. He takes my breath away and can encourage me in a way that nobody else will ever be able to do. I am happy to announce that after 15 years, I am still in love with the boy who knocked me off of my feet and made me begin to think spontaneously. I know when he comes home with his big hug that my vision will clear up and my heart will smile.

Another analogy that presented itself because today is Mother’s Day, is how a mother is her children’s pair of  glasses.  A righteous mother who desires to teach her children of “who they really are, why they are here, and where they came from” is like her children’s pair of spiritual glasses. My mother guided me along life’s journey for 19 years and taught me many important values and principles along the way. She gave me vision and understanding as she went about joyfully serving (and still does). She sharpened my view as she bore testimony and shared personal examples of how choosing the right was the best choice. I didn’t have to learn many things the hard way because I knew I could trust her and the things she taught by the spirit. She walked with me into the ward chapel each Sunday and encouraged me to keep my promises. She expected and anticipated that one day I would spiritually see 20/20 on my own. Now it is my turn to pass on some eternal vision & legacy that has been placed before me.

p.s. Thanks Lily for making me feel so special today. You set out all of the gifts you had prepared from school and activity days last night and insisted I go back to bed so that you and Olivia could bring me breakfast in bed. I appreciate you gearing me up with excitement yesterday as you said, “I bet you are so excited for your special day tomorrow.” I am the luckiest mom in the world.

The saying goes, “When life gives you lemons – make lemonade.” It is such a wonderful way to live and think and truly the most healthy, rewarding, and beneficial. BUT….

What if when life gives you lemons you just want to go out and buy a Jamba Juice? Easy, Peasy, someone else will squeezy?

I encountered this attitude yesterday when I decided to listen to the little man on my shoulder feeding me full of rationalizations & excuses. I was frustrated and fed that frustration turning it into a negative result. I wanted to take the easy road and have someone else fix the “lemon”. I wasn’t ready to own the “lemon”, in fact I didn’t want the “lemon”. I didn’t even ask for this “lemon”. It just decided to place itself in my life. I really wanted to ignore it and sit back and relax. I was ready to bask in my self-deserving atmosphere of pretending I was not to blame. But alas, I found out what I already knew….A lemon doesn’t turn into Jamba Juice.

Therefore I abandoned the notion of entitlement & ease, finally coming to own the lemon that was placed before me. The change in my attitude was sweet. I knew I needed to take that lemon, squeeze it into juice, and even add an extra cup of sugar (after all I live in Sugar City) – that would give me the drink that was intended. Lemonade is filled with much sweetness.

Moral of this story: The best way out of a sour situation is to make yourself sweet. It is up to you, nobody else will do. (If only it were as easy to do this as it is to write it…)

I love the way Stephen can smile through any challenge! It is a gift that I greatly admire.

Current Status: Speeding Along

It can be really tricky – Speeding along Life’s Freeway. Many times life is fast, thrilling, and exciting while trying to fit everything in (it is fun to see how much I can actually fit into one day). At other times I wonder how I can catch up to the other “cars” in front (how are people so efficient) or even how I forgot about the “cars” behind me (I meant to read, do, say, make, fix, give “that”). Sometimes I find myself in a big rut trying to get out (power struggles & conflicts). On a rare occasion, I experience a blow out (literally & figuratively). Right now I would like to slam on my brakes (while making cool track marks on the freeway of life) and just put on my hazard lights (I’m tired of speeding). Instead, I will undoubtedly pack up the trunk, put on my seatbelt and get back on cruise control (tomorrow’s another day).

My life in the fast lane.

The other day I caught myself going through the motions again, I had turned on my auto pilot switch unconsciously. I was in a hurry. I was completely and utterly distracted. I most definitely was NOT ready to appreciate and respect the NOW.

I remembered having a conversation with my dear friend who is watching her father prepare to exit this temporary life in which we live. She commented on how she would not be taking any precious moments for granted. With this in mind, I stopped and thought about what I was doing and how I could cherish it more. I wonder why it is such a hard thing for me to appreciate the gift of life and choose to make a conscience effort to take all of life in tangibly.

I easily saw that I have become too busy – I need to slow down a little and zone in on what is going on. Let’s think of the Mary and Martha story from the scriptures…I’m sure many others could go along with this thought as well.Can you see where this is going? Yes. A new year’s resolution – and more! I have now decided to make this my mantra for the year – Live in the Moment (notice my new slogan). I found the following article a helpful reminder on how to, Slow down…Zone in…and Live in the Moment.