Today started out promising. I woke up early, ran 5 miles with my reliable friend Heidi and then came home and everybody woke up without too much trouble and was ready for scriptures and made it to the bus stop on time. Nobody cried when they got their hair fixed. I think everyone had their homework completed etc. That is a lot of to have accomplished before 7:45 am right?!
After everybody left I spent time organizing, planning, & preparing things for Young Women. I dedicated a large portion of my morning to that and having JT sit on my lap and try to help me because he was scared of the noise we both heard. He isn't a fan of mice and we think we heard something suspicious. I was able to help a friend with carpool to Kindergarten because her child was sick and said I love you to JT when he got out of the car and waved. I came & home finished a few things up for a YW presidency meeting, made Visiting Teaching appointments for Wednesday (last day of the month), and touched base with my parents. I responded to a funny email that Stephen sent to me, and also emailed Mason on a few concerns I had concerning his grades.
At my meeting I tried hard to be thoughtful and not just rush through things and get to the point. I tried to be a better listener instead of always giving my opinion. I was nervous about being on time to pick up Olivia and her friend for gymnastics because our meeting was getting long. We had a productive meeting and I was only 10 minutes later to pick up the girls than I wanted to be, but they were in good spirits and we only were 1 minute late to class. I went into the class and watched and waved and smiled at Olivia while she did her tricks. She is so cute and getting really good. I was proud when I saw her accomplish her goal and I recorded her doing a running round off back handspring. I even sent it off to people to brag about her.
When I got home I didn't loose my patience when I saw Mason ride up on his bike after I told him not to ride it because he didn't have his homework done. I came into the house and saw Lily helping JT with his homework. I praised them for doing a good job, and hopefully Lily felt appreciated, because I really was thankful!
I looked at the sink full of dishes that had been accumulating since last night and wondered when they were going to get done. All of the sudden Stephen was home from work and Lily solicited him to fix the pedal on the piano. I had just gotten a call from Alexis and she needed a ride home from Math Lab, so I left to pick her up. She asked what was for dinner. I said, "What do you want?" I was looking for ideas. I tried to be friendly and interested in her day and sucked up my frustration when it wasn't met with much of a dialogue.
Entered the door to home and faced a husband we was ready to go fix up the apartment. I was feeling super exhausted at this time, since I woke up early, and I was also feeling cold and unmotivated. He helped me feel optimistic and I changed my clothes. I decided to stay back and fix dinner and do the dishes while they got started. It felt really good to get those dishes done. I was happy to find watermelon in the refrigerator for dinner that I had forgotten about.
Mason came in and wanted to go on a bike ride with his friend that just got word he was moving and has been a little bit sad about it. I decided to let him go to the canyon, even though it was FHE and we hadn't eaten. I knew it would mean a lot to Mason and I just decided I had to go with the spirit of the law.
Everyone else came back in to eat – we had a good discussion/FHE on unselfishness and sensitivity (I thought). Everyone was participating and had good feedback, except Lexi who is has slipped into the teenage abyss. BUT she was the best worker over at the apartment while it was being painted/cleaned – So kudos to her for that.
This is where things started to fall apart. Blame it on my lack of sleep or fear/anxiety about mice, etc… I was tense going over there. It brings back some bad memories from when we lived there and I had some emotional issues. I worry about mice. I worry that things aren't looking clean, and well taken care of, and the shelves are not caulked very well. DUMB things to care about. I was overwhelmed. Kids were painting, paint was getting on the floor, everyone was helping – I should have been delighted…but I was NOT. I was frozen in a stupor and then turned into a barking mom. I was feeling the pressure of the fact that the white paint that was being used to touch things up was not a match to the paint on the ceiling/walls, creating more work! I then heard a family of mice rummaging around in the wall. I started to voice my stress and it seemed to me to be met with mockery from Lexi and Stephen. I don't think they can even begin to imagine the fear that I was feeling. Thankfully Stephen put out mouse traps in there and I hope we will get the problems all taken care of the next couple of weeks that we have until our renter will take occupancy.
I came in to a mini kitchen mess that I hurried to clean up, before going down to the prayer. I got down the stairs to find the chaos of kids changing bedrooms. A triple bunk bed rigged up in Mason's room that now was Livy, and JT's too. Lily and Olivia were making plans of what and where to put stuff. Clothes were being transferred…btw it was 9:15pm. I was pushing back the mountain of loud roars ready to come out of me. I walked out of the room and tried to avoid the whole deal. Kids were crying and whining. Older kids were pouting and rolling their eyes at me, Stephen was sitting their like kid in a candy store ready to break ground on his gym plans and a backhoe is sitting in my yard ready to be torn up. I calmly tried to explain my feeling to everyone. I was reminded of how I am the one who ruins all of the plans. I was reminded of how Stephen gets them all excited about his ideas and then I get to be the one to either deal with it or make a big deal and cause contention. Some days I feel it is me against them. I wonder, where is the family council meeting? Where is the organized method of pulling these projects off? Why are people running around like chickens with their heads cut off starting projects and not finishing them??!!! I lost it – especially when I looked up and saw the look of annoyance in Lexi's face and was reminded how one of my good friends (my daughter) no longer wants to be my friend. Right now it seems like she wants/needs a mom who I am apparently not. It hurts, but it's the truth. That is when I realized. I am going to choose to get an F today. Mom failure. I stood up walked away calmly, trying not to create a big scene – just need to go and spend a lot of time by myself to process all of this craziness. So here I am sorting this day out. I know it will all feel better soon, I know I have the choice to make this a big deal for a long time or not. I know that I can pout or love. I know that I can isolate and ignore the people I feel hurt and betrayed by, but it will only hurt me. I know that I will someday read this and smile and laugh and say, how did I ever survive? I know it will all be ok even though it feels like a big deal now. I know I'm going to have to get up in the morning and make breakfast and do this all over again.
Wish me luck!