Author: runlittlejo

"Your mom goes to College" says Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.

That's me….I'm the mom, almost 40 years old, been married almost 20 years, and here's my story.

For the past 2 years that Stephen has returned to working at BYUI I have been dreaming and scheming of someday going back to school…when JT started first grade. It seems like at the beginning of each semester I would go through majors and envision myself in the distant future with some sweet career. Don't get me wrong – I LOVE BEING A MOM. It is my first choice and I want to spend the rest of my life being as good of a mom/grandma as possible. It is what I always wanted to be when I grew up and I'm living my dream. BUT for some reason I also yearn for more knowledge and a marketable skill in case of tragedy. I decided I would do it (take some classes) when I was released from being Primary President. Well this year in January, I anticipated being released as changes were evident but to my great surprise I was extended the calling to be the YW President. I realized that my education would be on hold and that Heavenly Father has different plans in mind for me.

I Love the Young Women and serving them and now feel like I'm in the groove! In April, Stephen decided that he would submit my application to BYUI and got me an interview with Stake Presidency to be endorsed. I was dragging my feet because I didn't see how I was EVER going to survive school, being a parent and wife, community volunteer, doing my best in my calling, and keeping up with housework. SO I enrolled in a guitar class…:) It ended up being a lot of work (practicing 45 min a day) and after 2 weeks I found out I couldn't even take the class because I was accepted for the Fall/Winter semesters. I'm not going to lie – I was relieved.

Move on to May – Stephen decided that building a gym onto our house would be a great idea…I consented dragging my feet because of many worries concerning time, energy, & money. It was very important to him (that is a long story for another entry). We are still in the process of finishing things up – getting very close!! To pay for this gym project the idea to finish our attic and turn it into an apartment was suggested, but things have been off and on complicated with that. I decided instead of sitting around waiting to see if the apartment idea was going to work that I would go see what kind of work I could do to help supplement the income. The only acceptable idea for me was to work for the school district so that I could have the same schedule as my kids. I decided to be a substitute teacher, put my name on the lunch lady list, and also applied for a couple of other positions. As I filled out applications and made a resume I was a bit discouraged at the lack of experience and qualifications I have. It was in that moment I decided that I am NOT OK with it, it is time for me to chip away at earning my bachelor's degree. I don't care if I never ever use it and have a job – in fact I hope I never have to really. BUT I WILL have skills and qualifications to do something I choose to do – even if it takes me the next 15 years. I'm grateful I have earned my associate degree so I am not starting at ground 0. I don't want to ever feel trapped in a job or situation if I could be doing something now. It is exciting and scary and overwhelming, BUT really GOOD!

So I am easing in slowly…signed up to take Family Foundations (a religion class on the Family Proclamation required for graduation). Stephen is in my class and my brother in law John is our teacher. I really enjoy the class a lot so far. I am also taking a class called, Career Exploration. I decided that taking time to discover the best path for my personality, interests, and skills would save me a lot of time in the grand scheme of things and I also want verification that I am choosing the best degree choice for the lifestyle and family time I want. Last but not least I am enrolled in beginning swimming!!! YIKES…I'm most nervous about this class as it is going to put me face to face (literally) with a few of my fears. It will be a great thing to be able to accomplish and I look forward to the end – not the journey in this class. 🙂

And that is the behind the scene look at this new College adventure!

Today started out promising. I woke up early, ran 5 miles with my reliable friend Heidi and then came home and everybody woke up without too much trouble and was ready for scriptures and made it to the bus stop on time. Nobody cried when they got their hair fixed. I think everyone had their homework completed etc. That is a lot of to have accomplished before 7:45 am right?!

After everybody left I spent time organizing, planning, & preparing things for Young Women. I dedicated a large portion of my morning to that and having JT sit on my lap and try to help me because he was scared of the noise we both heard. He isn't a fan of mice and we think we heard something suspicious. I was able to help a friend with carpool to Kindergarten because her child was sick and said I love you to JT when he got out of the car and waved. I came & home finished a few things up for a YW presidency meeting, made Visiting Teaching appointments for Wednesday (last day of the month), and touched base with my parents. I responded to a funny email that Stephen sent to me, and also emailed Mason on a few concerns I had concerning his grades.

At my meeting I tried hard to be thoughtful and not just rush through things and get to the point. I tried to be a better listener instead of always giving my opinion. I was nervous about being on time to pick up Olivia and her friend for gymnastics because our meeting was getting long. We had a productive meeting and I was only 10 minutes later to pick up the girls than I wanted to be, but they were in good spirits and we only were 1 minute late to class. I went into the class and watched and waved and smiled at Olivia while she did her tricks. She is so cute and getting really good. I was proud when I saw her accomplish her goal and I recorded her doing a running round off back handspring. I even sent it off to people to brag about her.

When I got home I didn't loose my patience when I saw Mason ride up on his bike after I told him not to ride it because he didn't have his homework done. I came into the house and saw Lily helping JT with his homework. I praised them for doing a good job, and hopefully Lily felt appreciated, because I really was thankful!

I looked at the sink full of dishes that had been accumulating since last night and wondered when they were going to get done. All of the sudden Stephen was home from work and Lily solicited him to fix the pedal on the piano. I had just gotten a call from Alexis and she needed a ride home from Math Lab, so I left to pick her up. She asked what was for dinner. I said, "What do you want?" I was looking for ideas. I tried to be friendly and interested in her day and sucked up my frustration when it wasn't met with much of a dialogue.

Entered the door to home and faced a husband we was ready to go fix up the apartment. I was feeling super exhausted at this time, since I woke up early, and I was also feeling cold and unmotivated. He helped me feel optimistic and I changed my clothes. I decided to stay back and fix dinner and do the dishes while they got started. It felt really good to get those dishes done. I was happy to find watermelon in the refrigerator for dinner that I had forgotten about.

Mason came in and wanted to go on a bike ride with his friend that just got word he was moving and has been a little bit sad about it. I decided to let him go to the canyon, even though it was FHE and we hadn't eaten. I knew it would mean a lot to Mason and I just decided I had to go with the spirit of the law.

Everyone else came back in to eat – we had a good discussion/FHE on unselfishness and sensitivity (I thought). Everyone was participating and had good feedback, except Lexi who is has slipped into the teenage abyss. BUT she was the best worker over at the apartment while it was being painted/cleaned – So kudos to her for that.

This is where things started to fall apart. Blame it on my lack of sleep or fear/anxiety about mice, etc… I was tense going over there. It brings back some bad memories from when we lived there and I had some emotional issues. I worry about mice. I worry that things aren't looking clean, and well taken care of, and the shelves are not caulked very well. DUMB things to care about. I was overwhelmed. Kids were painting, paint was getting on the floor, everyone was helping – I should have been delighted…but I was NOT. I was frozen in a stupor and then turned into a barking mom. I was feeling the pressure of the fact that the white paint that was being used to touch things up was not a match to the paint on the ceiling/walls, creating more work! I then heard a family of mice rummaging around in the wall. I started to voice my stress and it seemed to me to be met with mockery from Lexi and Stephen. I don't think they can even begin to imagine the fear that I was feeling. Thankfully Stephen put out mouse traps in there and I hope we will get the problems all taken care of the next couple of weeks that we have until our renter will take occupancy.

I came in to a mini kitchen mess that I hurried to clean up, before going down to the prayer. I got down the stairs to find the chaos of kids changing bedrooms. A triple bunk bed rigged up in Mason's room that now was Livy, and JT's too. Lily and Olivia were making plans of what and where to put stuff. Clothes were being transferred…btw it was 9:15pm. I was pushing back the mountain of loud roars ready to come out of me. I walked out of the room and tried to avoid the whole deal. Kids were crying and whining. Older kids were pouting and rolling their eyes at me, Stephen was sitting their like kid in a candy store ready to break ground on his gym plans and a backhoe is sitting in my yard ready to be torn up. I calmly tried to explain my feeling to everyone. I was reminded of how I am the one who ruins all of the plans. I was reminded of how Stephen gets them all excited about his ideas and then I get to be the one to either deal with it or make a big deal and cause contention. Some days I feel it is me against them. I wonder, where is the family council meeting? Where is the organized method of pulling these projects off? Why are people running around like chickens with their heads cut off starting projects and not finishing them??!!! I lost it – especially when I looked up and saw the look of annoyance in Lexi's face and was reminded how one of my good friends (my daughter) no longer wants to be my friend. Right now it seems like she wants/needs a mom who I am apparently not. It hurts, but it's the truth. That is when I realized. I am going to choose to get an F today. Mom failure. I stood up walked away calmly, trying not to create a big scene – just need to go and spend a lot of time by myself to process all of this craziness. So here I am sorting this day out. I know it will all feel better soon, I know I have the choice to make this a big deal for a long time or not. I know that I can pout or love. I know that I can isolate and ignore the people I feel hurt and betrayed by, but it will only hurt me. I know that I will someday read this and smile and laugh and say, how did I ever survive? I know it will all be ok even though it feels like a big deal now. I know I'm going to have to get up in the morning and make breakfast and do this all over again.

Wish me luck!

Today our Stake had the privilege of hosting a member of the quorum of the twelve apostles: Elder Dallin H. Oaks. He had been in Rexburg speaking at devotional, training bishops & stake presidents, etc. & our stake was the lucky one chosen to get to have him address us for Sunday meetings. It was an honor to get to shake his hand and watch my children meet such a special priesthood holder of our church. Alexis was asked to sing in the youth choir and even got to sit directly behind Elder Oaks. 🙂

Before I write further I need to give a weekly background of events leading up to Sunday, I began praying, as soon as I heard he was coming, that I would have a personal confirmation of Elder Oak's call to be an apostle and representative of Jesus Christ. It is interesting to note how Satan began working on me in small subtle ways after doing so. As the week wore on I had really weird random worldly doubts enter into my mind and thoughts. 1. One of my former Visiting Teaching ladies has left the church and puts anti-mormon propaganda on her FaceBook page, on one particular day what I read kind of bothered me and I let it kind of fester a little instead of immediately dispel the thought. 2. Stephen mentioned a weird random fact he had recently heard from our church history that got me thinking and wondering that he saw from a crazy email came that came across the BYUI servers, 3. this email was a warning to President Clark that many of the students are having doubts and questioning some of the doctrine, 4. I also had a a ward member talking to me about how President Monson had been summoned to court in England and had charges against him for representing false doctrine, 5. there is also so much filtering the media about same sex marriage and how those against it are bigots. All of this combined with 6. how busy I was to not sit down and infuse myself in study and prayer to find peace got me feeling confused and a little bit scared. So I held tight to the prayer that I was going to get the opportunity to hear from an apostle who speaks for Jesus Christ.

Now a record of today's events: We arrived at our Stake Center at 8:30 the meeting was set to begin at 10. ALL of the soft seats were taken and we were left to sit at the front of overflow in the gym. I was proud of our Stake members and their support and excitement in meeting one of the Lord's servants – way to represent Sugar City! It is a wonderful place to live. In fact Elder Oaks complimented us on how unique and rare the high numbers and our stake reports looked. He said we should thank the Lord for living in a such a blessed community. I do feel blessed!

As he stood to speak at our local pulpit – the same one I have spoken from, it felt a bit surreal. He seemed just like one of us in a good way and then he began to speak. His message was simple, a message of Love. He explained that as he prayed for guidance on what he should share that was the impression he received. He reminded us that "the love of God is unconditional…that the road to qualify for the justice of God & ultimately exaltation requires us to repent, be baptized, keep commandments, etc. so that His spirit can be with us. He spoke of the fact that anyone can have the blessing of exaltation we just need to have DESIRE. He said, "if you desire eternal life, you can have it! There is NO sin that cannot be forgiven" (other than the unpardonable ones very few commit – killing someone). He cautioned that "DESIRE is what stands between us and Eternal life." He gave the youth a scripture to post on the bulletin boards in their rooms: D&C 38:42, "Go ye out from among the wicked, SAVE YOURSELVES (take responsibility for your choices). Be ye clean (live virtuos lives) that bear the vessels of the Lord." (for YM & Priesthood holders the vessels are the emblems of the flesh & blood or sacrament. For YW & YM he reminded them that there is no more sacred vessel than the body that God has created. for YW he said those sacred bodies are carried and brought into the world through a daughter of God)

Throughout his talk it was a build up to a powerful answer to my prayer and suddenly I was overcome inside and received that witness that I had desired. I appreciated His words and message of Love. It is one that resonates inside of me, it is what I would expect all of us that have chosen to follow Jesus Christ and be his disciples would benefit from. This simple message took all of the confusion and worry away from the week's random questions and it was completely gone and still is. The reassuring warmth and comfort that enveloped my soul gave me peace and confidence in the ways of God and the doctrine of the church I belong to: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I know I heard from a special witness of Christ, that He is one chosen to a mouth piece in teaching us the things to do to find happiness now and have hope in the things to come when our life here is through.

To top of the conference the closing song was our "family song". The 3rd verse to "How Firm a Foundation" was the icing on the cake of my spiritual comfort and quest for inner peace. I sang and felt like God was speaking to me, "Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aide. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand."

LOVE today, can't wait to keep LOVING everyone, LOVE the gospel, LOVE my Heavenly Father and His plan for us, LOVE that I can be with my family forever. I want the kind of LOVE that helps me LOVE without strings attached or have to keep my guard up, or better said, the LOVE that helps me see others through GOD's eyes. This sounds like the ultimate quest for a lifetime and I'm ready to try to take it on.