Category: Processing Life

I’m finding out that the older I get the better I can understand/learn certain aspects of this mortal existence; yet on the other hand, with that understanding, I discover just how much more there is to know – and so it goes.

It’s a good word: deliberate. I really like what it makes me feel like when I say it. It makes me feel planned, dependable, organized, ready, proactive, and motivated. When I use this as the adjective before mothering it is a bit overwhelming too! But I still like it nonetheless. Something I love to do for a past time is read a lot of self-help books. I’ve decided that the reason I like it so much is because I take my job as a mother very seriously and I’m always looking for ways to perfect it. Since circumstances and needs of 5 children are ever changing, I’m sure that it is a quest and need that will never go away. I love being a mom, but it is stinking hard. HARD! I didn’t know it would be such a challenge when I signed onto the job as a new mom at age 21; but if it wasn’t such a challenge I’m certain the joy and rewards, when they come, wouldn’t feel as amazing! I’ve learned through the course of my study and planning that parenting/mothering is not for wimps. I have to be strong and not care when my child says, “I hate you” or glares at me then rolls her eyes. I can’t take it personal when the tantrums, pouting, and sulking pour out abundantly, nor be humiliated and embarrassed when mistakes happen in public and both of us forget the things we know we should do. I just have to say that what I do know for sure is that I am an imperfect mother who loves her imperfect children. The family quest is to be our best selves (whatever it is for the given day). This sure is a healthy approach and I will need to refer back to this paragraph when the pressure is turned on again and emotions are flaring. 🙂

As stated above, I have sort of an obsession with self-help kinds of books. Again as I think about this, I’m always trying to look for ways to make what I do everyday better. I also like to have fresh and new ideas to try and see what possibilities are out there. I also enjoy learning and seeing things from many different perspectives. So I would like to take a second and give a shout out to some great books that I’ve gleaned ideas from through the past years.

#1 – First off the bat, I cannot stress enough the importance it has been for me to read the scriptures! When I read from the scriptures I am inspired by the kinds of parents found in there. The amount of faith needed many years ago is probably the same amount of faith that I need now to teach my children the ways of God. Through reading the scriptures I understand my own nothingness and the need for acknowledging that these children in my home are actually God’s children – that they are on loan to me here on earth. With this in mind it becomes paramount that I use the life-line that prayer can be in giving me the inspiration needed to reach the spirits that have come to live in my home. If I can keep focused on where we all came from and what our purpose and goal is in being here, I will be able to be like the parents I read about in the scriptures. Right now my favorite advice given in the Book of Mormon is from Lehi. It is found in 1 Nephi 8:37-38, it is a great couple of verses, but the last line says it all for ME personally, “and he did cease speaking to them.” LOVE this advice. Sometimes I just need to trust my kids after I’ve said & done all I can, then let them decide for themselves.

#2, #3, #4 – Three books from Richard and Linda Eyre: The Entitlement Trap, Teaching your Children Values, and How to talk to your child about sex. The Entitlement Trap came at a time in my life when I needed to learn about teaching and expecting ownership in my children – ownership is the remedy to entitlement. I needed to know that when they make mistakes it is good and ok for them to own up to them and I don’t have to take them on and feel the guilt from them. I also learned that ownership is linked to many different life experiences, such as: our health, money, testimonies, relationships, etc… The book, Teaching your Children Values gives parents the idea of focusing on specific values each month for a year. Honesty is the first value and we learned that honesty is the foundation of all other principles. I LOVED teaching this and focusing on it and now we are building. This month we are teaching about peace-ability – something that our home could greatly benefit from. I typed & printed off the suggested monthly word and magnetized it to our fridge where it can be stared at every time we eat as a reminder. How to Teach your Child about Sex – a super uncomfortable and awkward subject before reading the book and a less super uncomfortable and awkward subject afterward. It gives great dialoguing and suggestions to teach appropriate ways to explain where babies come from.  It treats the subject as “the most wonderful beautiful and awesome thing in the world” – I think that is cool. If you think about it, it really shouldn’t be embarrassing, we need to be the ones to teach this NOT the radio, TV/movies, friends, school, or internet. I want my kids to know they can talk to Stephen and I about this and that we treat this subject as respectful, special, wonderful, and sacred.

#5 – The Child Whisperer – by, Carol Tuttle. This book has really given me a new way to look at all people not just my children. Carol Tuttle teaches that we all are born with a “nature” something we generally call our personality and that our nature and facial/body features are connected. She has broken it down into four “types” – very much like the color-code book (think red, blue, white, & yellow) but on a much deeper level. I really appreciated reading this book! It helps me be much more patient and understanding as a parent. It helps give me ideas of ways to connect with the different needs/natures of my children and reasons to why they behave and act certain ways. It also empowers me with what I can do to support them in living true to who they are. I also learned a lot about myself and am more gentle, accepting, and content with my own “Type 4/1” nature. I don’t feel such a need to try to be like “so and so”, but just focus on being my best self. If we were all the same it would be a boring world. I like how this book teaches us to appreciate the wonderful attributes that others have to offer and be ok with ourselves.

#6 – The Parenting Breakthrough, by Merrilee Browne Boyak. I LOVE this book – it is my most recent read. It gives the reader great ideas on why its important to have kids work! She explains that when kids learn how to work, and provide for themselves and acquire other necessary life skills they need to know before they are 18 and leave our homes,  that they will have more confidence and better self-respect and esteem.  She has a comical way of taking the reader through the book so it is light hearted, yet important. She comes across as a REAL mother, even though she clearly has it all together. Favorite things from this book are the idea of creating a family time line, not being afraid to have tough love and expect kids to work, and teaching skills that will in turn give our children the confidence they need to navigate life when they leave the comforts of our home and need to be independent. I highly recommend that ALL parents read this book.

When considering a glass of water one is asked: is it Half Full or Half Empty? It is barometer of sorts to see if one is an optimist or a pessimist. I like to smile really big and tell everybody I’m a realist. My family teases me and tells me I’m a dream killer. haha

Yesterday, Lily came home from school with a heavy little heart. The last few months at school have been pretty dramatic with the girls she has interacted with this year. My heart was sad for her. It is so silly that one girl says they won’t be your friend if you are friends with a certain different girl. Who decided to put such high stakes on friendship? Can’t everybody just ALL be friends? I wanted to take the hurt and frustration away and protect her from all of the attacks that were being made against her self-esteem armor. To keep it real I wanted to march right over and knock on the “rude” little girl’s door and give her a lesson on being nice. But I can’t fight rudeness with more rudeness right? I can’t, and I shouldn’t – I won’t. It is more beneficial to “kill them with kindness” even if it isn’t our first reaction. 🙂 It is a hard thing to understand and realize that as a mature and wise person the best way to rescue and help our children is to be a shoulder to cry on and have a smile to offer when they feel they don’t have a friend left in the world – even when your own heart is breaking inside for their hurt.  Offering them a home where they can feel safe and protected emotionally as well a physically is of high importance. I am grateful to be a mother and try my best to be this person for my children. I have gone through similar experiences with Lexi and Mason, and I’m sure to experience this same scenario many more time with each of them in addition to Olivia & JT.

To fight back against the sorrow and drama so prevalent, I suggested that Lily make some cookies and think of somebody to share them with, because I know it helps me when I feel like she was feeling. She reluctantly took me up on the suggestion, and as I came into the kitchen and watched her melting butter and cocoa together I could see her spirits lifting – slowly but surely. I joined her cookie making efforts and in the end we both felt better. She composed a couple of notes for two of her friends whose loyalty and kindness she really appreciates. We talked about how easy it is to see the bad things that are happening and less likely to see the good, by digging a little we recognized a few good things that happened and pretty soon we were on a roll “counting our blessings.”

The cookies were delivered and we came home for FHE. As much as I tried to stay positive and patient with things, I could feel myself sinking into frustration quickly. Kids fighting, kids not wanting to help, kids feeling pressured to get homework finished, whining, complaining, Stephen not getting home until 6:30, trying to share important feelings on FHE topic and feeling like nobody is listening, planting the garden as a family and feeling like my opinion was being interpreted as “naggy” and too high of expectations. I was tired physically and it was obviously manifesting itself emotionally inside of me. After trying to stay strong and be as neutral as possible as to not set off a bomb, we finally said the family prayer – a signal the day would finally end and afterward I quickly exclaimed,”I’m going to bed.” I was scared of my emotional self. I sensed that Stephen was tired of the demanding expectations he must feel like I always have; I felt discouraged as I worried that Alexis views me as a slothful mother who always makes her do all of the work; I was overwhelmed at the fact that Mason was overwhelmed with homework and probably could have used some extra support & help; I was frustrated with Lily and her temper and stubbornness about not getting to take a shower before bed, but it was too late; I was annoyed that Olivia’s room smelled like urine and I was too unorganized of a mom and didn’t get all of her smelly clothes washed, in addition to being mad at myself for not helping her overcome her wetting habits; I was remorsefully reflective that I haven’t recently been taking opportunities to tuck JT into bed each night with a song or a story because I was too exhausted.

Then, just as was about asleep, Stephen broke the news to me, that Lexi feels like it’s all her fault that I am feeling overwhelmed. “Great!”, I sarcastically thought but could not let out the response. I had become an empty shell who couldn’t and didn’t want to feel anymore for the day – I had shut down. I closed my eyes and prayed a silent prayer that things would be better when I woke up. But when the alarm clock rang my body and mind felt the same. After hitting snooze twice, I willed myself to wake up but couldn’t find the strength or courage to feel even “half full” – I was “half empty” as my feet hit the floor. I ran down the road with my thoughts & a prayer and tried to sort through everything. It was a ping pong match against negative and positive thoughts – discouragement then hope. I am grateful that I have a Heavenly Father whose has a “shoulder I can cry on”, and offers me “emotional safety”. As I sorted and sifted and humbled myself enough to feel the answers I needed, the answers came concerning my current state: 1. I need to study my scriptures more (not just read the words) to continually recognize how much I need the Lord’s influence daily in my life  2. I need to play and have quality time with my kids – it is time to really play, really talk (the demands of all of the extras in my life need to take a back seat to enjoying time with my growing children)  3. I need to forget about me – talk less & listen more, realize that my quiet humility is much more valuable than my boisterous pride. Funny thing in all of this – I already knew these answers last night, I just needed to take the time to really want to overcome my selfish and stubborn nature.

And just for the record, I am so blessed to get to live in a family unit and experience the unconditional love they offer as well as the encouragement when I have a bad day.

So in less than 24 hours I have experienced optimism, pessimism, and found myself back at realistic. I am recognizing in this moment how much I learn being a parent. I certainly can’t encourage Lily to be forgiving and look for the good in life when I am not willing to do it myself. I appreciate the opportunity to help her through her experience, because in essence by trying to teach her the best way to handle a bad day, I was able to – in my own way – re-teach myself.

Now it’s time for me to go find somebody to “take cookies and a note to”. 🙂

I have been on a quest to achieve balance in my life for several years! It is a game that I play with myself that I never feel like I’ll come close to winning. I study articles, I vent about it with my friends, I talk about it while I eat dinner with Stephen on our dates, I look for examples around me, and then I feel bewildered as I excuse myself falling short. I set the goal and put new ideas into motion and then realize after random evaluations that I need to try again. On some days I can’t take the time to care, because I am spinning and juggling and swimming in the sea of insanity, but yesterday, as I drove down the road in my dirty car all by myself I noticed the beautiful weather and the promise of spring nudged at my memory. It spiraled random thoughts in my head until I ended up with the idea that just like the seasons are constantly changing – so are the events in my life. I determined that just when I begin to feel a handle on “things” and feel optimistic that I can manage, a “new” event enters the scene and the balancing act starts over. And so the story goes….This has to be why as I constantly seek balance, I feel like I’m on a treadmill for life. The trick, I discovered through my thoughts yesterday, is to keep the objective in mind, but also be realistic & flexible with myself and just keep trying. I think this is the process Heavenly Father has in mind. Balancing life is more of a quest or journey – something ideal to try for, but it most certainly will never have a finality or end – like sleeping and eating. And now that I stopped to process it all, I like this concept of “balancing” more. There is a great article in the February 2012 Ensign on it all.

The words of Dory the fish from “Finding Nemo” find new meaning to me and I sing, “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.”

What the World needs now are… builders!

Today I was able to have an experience that leaves me with this realization: we need more “builders” in the world – and on a more personal note, closer to my home, in fact a 2-mile radius would be nice! 🙂

I am writing this entry as therapy to work through a crazy experience I had today….

I remember a talk or quote given at some church function, that I cannot now remember who to give rightful credit. It makes me sad because I would love to reread it now. I was left with the thought at the time of hearing it, that we as people need to, “seek to be a builder and not to destroy”. I tried lds.org to find the talk, and struck out.  I’m sure if I dig a little deeper I’ll find it, maybe someone out there can help?

This morning I was torn down and then spit out like mush. My feelings were tender. I felt like a little girl that was getting in trouble for something I didn’t even do.  I was misunderstood in the middle of a thought and not given a chance to explain in fullness before I was curtly interrupted with a 5-minute verbal beating. I didn’t like it, who would? I can’t remember ever having someone “get in my face” (even though it was over the phone) like this – and especially concerning my calling; a calling I didn’t solicit for myself, but accepted from the Lord. I had a pit in my stomach and felt so dark with sadness. I pleaded to heaven for help to know what to do and say, and to try to take my personal feelings out of the equation. It was hard and I’m sure I could have said things that were better! I bet this is what it feels like to be a missionary on an everyday occasion.

We all have these kinds of experiences once in a while and it makes us appreciate the “builders” – the people who see the glass half full.  I love to be around people who are positive and energized in good things, comments, and thoughts. It builds me and makes happy. It motivates me to become better. I need people like that in my life and gravitate toward people like this. I love my husband, Stephen, for it because he is a builder in word and deed. It has to be one of the reasons I married him. I know he learned a lot of this vision from his dad, who is also a builder in both aspects as well!

For now it is up to me to be a big girl & learn how to LOVE the “destroyer” in this occasion – even when it feels hard. I am grateful to my Savior who was a perfect example in this. It makes it easier to not  feel as selfish and self-reflective in my deflated state when I consider that I have a brother who was beat, spit upon, wrongly accused, and crucified because of “destroying” mentalities. Now, I am not trying to compare my incident to that of the Savior, because my little trial is a grain of sand to that (even less); but my thoughts turn to him now and I am reverenced at the magnitude of his love as he exclaimed with nailed hands & feet on his cross, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”

Perhaps I was given this experience to help strengthen my testimony in him and understand the love he has for ALL of us – builders & destroyers? For me that is enough and I can now let this rest with that knowledge.

The answer I prayed for and received as I have written this : Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly to. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you.

I just returned home last night from a wonderful reunion with my extended Baldwin family – the family I grew up with. This year we went to Stanley, ID. It was a beautiful place to behold.

As I’ve been attending various events with my brothers and sister and their families over the year – this weekend included, I have been paying attention to my inner self. I’ve been trying to make sense out of my identity and role as a sister. Sometimes amidst the busy days of life, I forget that I am a sister. I begin to live as if my role as a sister is more past tense than present or future. So I’m left to wonder, what is my purpose now in this family that I grew up in, how do I fit in with my extended family as I bring my own growing family and husband along, how am I assessed by extended family as they see me more rarely than often? What kind of impression do I leave when we all depart large family gatherings?

Do they know of my concern for each of them and their children? Do they realize how much I care about what happens to them personally? Do they understand how important they still are to me in my life? I’m for sure that I am NOT good at communicating effectively or clearly all of those feelings, especially in such a short and sporadic time such as a weekend. I hope that layers upon layers over the process of a lifetime will suffice. The demands and schedules of my own immediate families needs feel hard enough to keep up with right now, but I’m discovering that my care and concern is still there for my siblings who’ve helped me become the person I am today. I fear that my desires and actions of expression are not evenly matched up at this point.

All of us have obviously moved on down life’s trail – getting married, having children, learning to stay tough through trials and disappointment, & rejoicing in moments of bliss. We no longer have the same relationships we did when we lived behind the walls of our old Burton home. I no longer hear the rock music blasting from my oldest brother, Brad’s, radio, I don’t get to share a bedroom with my big sister, Michelle, anymore. I’m not getting rides to school with my brother Eric, or singing songs at the piano with Scott very often these days. What I find interesting is that although these relationships have changed out of necessity of growing older, the feeling of being a little sister remains in tact. Because of my little sister role, I think I will always be seeking approval, validation, and advice from all of the above persons mentioned the rest of my life. Is it a bad thing? I realize now that each of us siblings have many different ideals, approaches, and pressures to living life, but I also understand now that different doesn’t necessarily mean better or worse.

My hope is that I can be good enough, that I can make them proud, that they will feel unconditionally loved by me, that I can bring honor to our family name. Because out of all of the people in the entire universe, Heavenly Father sent the five of us, in our mortal state, to GET be called FaMiLy.

Not board games. Not card games. Not party games. Not video games. Not sports games. Not even Olympic games.

No, the games I’m thinking about are the silly games people play with each other. The mind games. The reading between the lines games. The subliminal and obscure meanings and messages people send out. I’m calling them the people games. Sometimes we transition from acting grown up to reverting back into a child like state. I am a people watcher and have noticed. I am a person and have played.

Like…Have you ever been in a store and seen someone you know and purposefully turn and go the other direction so they won’t see you? Like….being disappointed and hurt, acting like it isn’t a big deal to the person who hurt us – and then holding a grudge (sometimes for years!) And what is the silent treatment all about, what does it accomplish?

Why do we sometimes play crazy emotional games with each other? Why can’t we all just be real? Do we sometimes feel afraid that people won’t like the “real us”? Are we so confused with our own selves that we don’t expect anyone to “get” us? Do we choose to make our previous comments or choices (or even others) enslave us and live up to the person we think people expect us to be? Why is it easier at sometimes to give someone the “benefit of the doubt”, and also on the other hand, find it such a natural reaction to be critical or judgmental of others? Is it possible that we build unnecessary fences so high that we can’t climb over them?

I’ve been there, done that, still DO that! Why?! It is silly. It is pointless. It hurts us and the people around us. It limits us. It confines and sentences us to feelings of sadness.

Here is something I’ve noticed for myself about playing these kind of people games. I’m thinking way too much about myself! When I am earnestly (not casually) seeking to be Christlike, actively seeking to think, act, become like Him the Game is Over! It is a powerful force to recon with – that kind of pure Love!

And just to throw it out there – this rambling is to be taken at face value. No people games being played here….:)

This week in particular I have been experiencing some “once in a life time” mom moments here on the battlefront.

I started the week off last Sunday morning snuggled up to Olivia in my bed. She had come in early morning for consolation and I pulled her onto my bed so I wouldn’t upset my slumber. Along came 6 am – and I heard the starting signs of throwing up. I acted quickly and shot upright, scooped her up and it was too late. Stinky, chunky throw up right in my face and down the front of my shirt, over ALL of our bed covers, all over her clothes, in her hair – you get the picture don’t you? NOT cool. I haven’t ever, in my almost 14 years of being a mom, experienced throw up puddled on my face – Urine? Yes. Puke. No.

Another first relating to throw up was 2 weeks prior. Olivia and JT were both camping out in our bed with us when Olivia started to “loose her cookies”, immediately as if on cue – JT began to spew forth. I thought to myself…”synchronized throw up, now that is a first?”

Yesterday I was fixing my hair while JT was making a potty break in my bathroom. He sat there chatting and then he said, “Mom, we have a stinking dirty house. We need to clean our house.”  He was saying this as he peered into the disgusting toilet. All the toilets in our house have been working over time with urgent vomiting attacks and they have met their match. They really were gross! So, today I decided to have JT help me get things cleaned up. We were in my bathroom once again, when he exclaimed, “Mom, I have really long teeth.” I had my back turned to him as I was cleaning my sinks. I was on autopilot nodding my head, when I snapped out of it!  I turned around to see him brushing his teeth with my “old cleaning toothbrushes!” I freaked, lost it, screamed so loud I scared the little fella. He immediately began crying out of fear from my exclamations. I had Olivia go downstairs to retrieve his toothbrush. I brushed and scrubbed his teeth and tongue better than I ever have (several times) – I had him drink tons of water to try and flush out the germs. Even as I type I am shuddering and fearful of what can/could happen.

I tell you what, the adventures I’m experiencing right now are keeping me young as I’m beginning to get gray hair and wrinkles.

FACT: I am a social exerciser – it is true. I have always enjoyed conversations and frankly I need something to take my mind off of the task at hand. My socialization becomes my distraction from thinking about how much I don’t like what I’m doing.

Well, more than a few times this summer I have been left with a choice: to enjoy the comforts of my soft bed or go outside and be welcomed by no one other than the rising sun. I am not going to lie – most of the times that I chose to get up and run solo were long and mentally painful. It became 45 minutes of me being too aware of my irregular breathing patterns and crunchy footsteps.

But today was different. Not different in that I wanted to lie in my soft, warm bed instead of getting up to run, but that the time spent was lovely and went by quickly. Today I was able to listen and be calm. I felt peace. I needed that. The sun and I had a good wordless talk. As I ran I put lots of band aides on my problems and it became a therapeutic and healing moment.

Things I want to remember from running with my self today:

1. I need to take at least 30 minutes of my day, everyday, to NOT talk, but to LISTEN and think without being interrupted. Reflect. Learn. Pray. Satan’s best way to keep me from doing the BEST things in life are distraction, being overwhelmed, and business. It seems that unless I conscientiously fight to make the important stuff happen, “life” with suck up every minute of my time until I go to bed realizing that I slipped up yet again. So watch out Satan I know your tricks on me, and I’m not going to have it anymore!

2. People pleasing is like walking a fine line. Sometimes it is good to please people, but like anything it can be taken too far. Balance is key with people pleasing. I have inherited the “people pleasing” gene and sometime the mark can get out of whack. As I think about this idea personally or collectively, I am left with these thoughts. I could write a book on this subject alone, but will leave it unwritten right now.

3. My mom heart needs to turn often to being more calm and more gentle and more understanding. Less critical, less caught up in business, less intent on daily regiment. I tend to notice mom’s who speak softly, take an extra moment to cuddle, or smile/laugh unconditionally through the ups and downs of being a mother. I notice them – they are my inspiration. I want to be MORE like them.

4. Live like you believe. The last song on my i phone shuffle today was “Live like you believe“. The words of the first verse & chorus wrap up all of my thoughts this morning perfectly:

“You have felt the warmth of the fire. You have seen a glimmer of light. It’s something that you have been missing inside, something that you have been longing to find. Hold on to the yearning and wherever you are on the journey.”

CHORUS: Live like you believe. Live like you know. it’s one sure way your faith will grow. Listen to your heart. Search in your soul and you’ll find the strength that you need. His light, the gift of His peace when you live like you believe.”